For all you budding parents out there: there’s really no point at which it’s appropriate to tell your daughter that she should have been a boy, unless she is undergoing/has undergone appropriate gender-identity therapy.
Buying a penknife, multi-purpose tool, or general gadget, does not mean that your daughter should have been a boy. It means she’s seen something she likes, has had the available cash, and has bought the thing she wanted. Whether it was bought for form, function, or both, is entirely irrelevant. She’s a woman, and women can want knives, screwdrivers, bottle-openers and miscellaneous accoutrements too. It doesn’t make them boys. It doesn’t mean they should have been boys.
Why is it that almost any English speaker can tell you that a girl who behaves like a boy is called a “tomboy”, but very few have an analogous word for a boy who behaves like a girl? “Nancyboy” is the closest I can come up with – but has a slightly different word-formation, and quite different connotations.
If you have made the mistake of telling your daughter that she should have been a boy, you really should ask yourself why it’s then inappropriate for her to suggest that perhaps her brother should have been a girl – after all, he was the one who played with Barbie.
Douglas R. Hofstadter, author of “Gödel, Escher, Bach: An Eternal Golden Braid”, has written an interesting and thought-provoking article, A Person Paper on Purity in Language. It’s really kind of scary, and challenges the world-view that can be imposed by language. It’s somewhat depressing, actually, that something like this is writeable.
As a woman studying Computer Science, and a member of several related organisations, I am especially aware of the issues for women working in a male-dominated field, as distinct from the everyday discriminations. Ellen Spertus’s paper “Why Are There So Few Women in Computer Science?” touches on the economic as well as ethical issues with the lack of women in CS – without increased representation of minority groups in technical fields, there simply won’t be enough skilled workers to go around. And anything that helps women to break into this enviroment tends to similarly assist other minority groups. For those of you interested in redressing this balance, Val Henson’s HOWTO Encourage Women in Linux is an essential read.
Women are every bit as able as men – but the fact is, that in today’s world, we’re differently socialised. We’re brought up differently – and that means that not only can we do the technical stuff, but we can also communicate – something a lot of men (especially in technical fields) just won’t/can’t cope with. This is something I’ll come back to soon.
But this kind of stuff happens all around the world, and is sadly not avoidable simply by avoiding technology. Men claim that respect is something that should be earned, and not something that every woman is automatically entitled to by virtue of her status as a human being. And yes, I recognise that not all men do this – but I’ve heard it even from men I’ve dated. And no, I’m not aware of a similar claim ever having been made by a woman. Those men who do believe this are often remarkably silent on why other men are owed their respect (and the respect of women), when women aren’t.
The fact is, women are owed your respect (please see the update below). It’s not something they should have to earn. They’re people, and deserve respect, and courtesy, and general common decency. Certainly, it may happen that a particular woman loses your respect by her actions or behaviour – but really, really, really boys, respect needs to be the default position. It’s truly sad that in this era of equality, chivalry has gone right out the window. Certainly, men were never chivalrous to all the women around them – but the way to fix that isn’t to stop being chivalrous to some, it’s to start being chivalrous to all.
Chivalry isn’t anti-feminist. Feminism is about the advocacy of women’s rights – one of their fundamental rights is to respect. The whole idea of chivalry is about being polite, courteous and gallant. Men don’t generally need to be told to behave this way towards other men (at least, those they value the opinions of) – it’s the default. The reason you’re being told to behave this way with women is because you don’t do it without being told.
Now, back to the “women and men are socialised differently”. This is something I don’t think is scientifically disputable. It’s just the way our society works, and there are so many examples of it. But women can do technology, they can like multi-tools, they can learn the skills they may not have been brought up with. And damnit boys, so can you. “I’m a man” is no excuse for not cleaning, tidying, washing, socialising, communicating… You’re just as capable of being domesticated as I am of being clueful. You’re just as capable of learning to be romantic as I am of learning to code.
There’s a famous quote that goes: “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me“. Putting childish ways behind you involves more than just learning that “beed” is not the past tense of the verb “to be”, or that there’s more to growing up than birthdays. It also involves recognising that you can do anything you want to – and you have a choice. You can choose to perpetuate the myth that there are things you can’t do because you’re a man. Or you can choose to go ahead and do all the things you’re capable of.
Choosing the first path helps no one. It disadvantages you, because some day you’ll have to do those things. And it disadvantages the women around you, because by forcing them to take on the roles you won’t, you prevent them taking on the roles they’re capable of. Choosing the second path empowers you, and it empowers those around you – male and female. Some men need a little male encouragement to take that path – they just won’t listen to it from a woman. So boys, help your fellow-men too.
I’m not citing the source for the quote above, because I know the very mention of it would stop some people listening straight away. It won’t take long to find it, but hopefully by the time you get this far you’ve at least though about what I have to say. I also know that some men may read this post, or others expressing similar opinions, and immediately dismiss it because it comes from a woman. That’s a sad loss, for men and women. There are plenty men who hold these views too, so if you’re one of those, please, remember how important you are to passing on the message. The men who will listen are already halfway there. The men who won’t listen are those who most need to hear this.
And with that, I’m done sermonising, at least for now. Good night all.
Update: It turns out that respect doesn’t actually mean what I thought it meant, or what I intended by it. What I intended to say was that women are owed courtesy, politeness, civility.
I don’t find it inappropriate, or disrespectful, to start a technical conversation at the lowest realistic denominator, and move it up as necessary to the appropriate level, for example.
I do find it inappropriate and ‘disrespectful’ (using my sense of the word ‘respect’, which I accept is not the usual one) to judge the merit of an argument on the basis of the proposer’s looks, religion, race, or other irrelevant criteria. Certainly, these may not always be irrelevant criteria – but unless you’re discussing sickle-cell anaemia or neural-tube defects, they probably are. Wolf-whistles and cat-calls are all very well for canines and felines – but they’re really most unseemly in humans. Calling an adult black man “boy” was entirely acceptable for a long time, as calling any adult woman “girl” still is. But frankly, neither falls under my definition of ‘respectful’.
Ultimately, I suppose, it comes down to “Treat others as you would like to be treated”.
Hmmm, interesting post. Didn’t expect that quote to come from whence it came. Thought it was something like Kipling or similar, though I’ve never read any Kipling.
Now you make the point that men automatically afford respect to other men, and should do to women also. I agree. Everyone should respect everyone else. This also applies to women. There was a woman on that fool tubridy’s show (note the lack of respect for tubridy) who recently released a book on dating. She spent half a year dating men as a woman, and half a year dating women as a man. Her appearance was quite sexually androgenous. One of her conclusions was that women always perceive a man to be bad until proven otherwise, while men always perceive a woman to be good until proven otherwise. I’m not sure I have a point here. But I disgress. If someone affords you disrespect, best to walk away as that person is an ass. It may not be fair, but trying to find a reason with yourself for someone else being an ass is a fruitless task.